Stop, We're The Piss Police

Sheffield United U18 0 v Tottenham Hotspur U18 1

U18 Premier League Cup, Semi Final

Tuesday 14 March 2023

Played at Shirecliffe

SUFC 2022/23 Game #52

Sheffield United 0 v Luton Town 1

The Championship

Saturday 12 March 2023

SUFC 2022/23 Game #51

Usual fuck about day up at Shirecliffe. If you've never been up there on a day the First Team are in, you should. The dilemma is simple. There's a game (in this case the U18s) on the "usual" top pitch. But, the First Team and Fringers are (or in this case, have been) rearranging cones & wearing different coloured bibs on the "new" Training Pitch.

In a sense, there's perfect separation. The top pitch is, well, toperer (why not just use "higher", Phil?). And there is a tall Stop The Balls fence between that and the lower (that's better Phil) Training Pitch. All good. Except if you want a piss. Because then you have to walk down the path, gradient wise reaching the same level as the Training Pitch, over there, 120 yards across the car park on your left.

And that simply cannot be allowed to happen. Even though cars full of First Team players drive the narrow lane within three feet of where the Carrier Bag Firm are standing, the CBF must never walk to the toilets on a path within 120 yards of them. Those are simply The Rules.

This wonderful, inclusive football club employed four stewards to piss police that path. They would politely explain that, to go DOWN for a piss, you must walk UP the path and OUT of the complex onto Shirecliffe Road, then left down Firshill Crescent to return INTO the complex at the other gate. You will be allowed into the second, lower Piss This Way gate by showing your wristband.

Check my eBay listing later today for that Other Bit Of Meaningless Paper.

Some of the CBF, anticipating this very problem, parked their cars near the top gate, so they could DRIVE TO THE TOILET. Others (I'm not a Grass) simply "found other ways of dealing with toilet issues".

And, if anybody tells you they made notes of what happened during that game, they are liars. My "five bar gate" notes are pictured at the top o' the Blog.

"What were you counting, Phil? We know it's not goals. There was only one."

"What is it, four mass 22 player plus subs, benches & staff pile ins, we know the Academy players love those?"

"No - that's BLIZZARDS during the game. FOUR FUCKING BLIZZARDS."

As an aside, there were only TWO mass throat grabbing pile ins this week. Kept count of them in me head (...proud…).

Lucky Luke Faxon wearing gloves to keep warm. We made it a back three. Which is unusual for the Eighteens. Jack Waldron on the right, Pitan in the middle and Jayden Prunty left. Sai Sachdev wide right. Mekhi H-P left. Then all sorts of tactical trickery in front of them. We wrote it up as - George Dickinson and Sydie Peck anchoring midfield. Sam Aston pushed a bit more forward on the right. Owen Hampson ditto left. Leaving King Kurt Havenhand as a lone (and willing) striker. 3-2-2-2-1 - is that even a thing?

I thought both teams coped well with the appalling, in your face snow if you were defending the toilet end, conditions. Interspersed with fuck me, it's stopped for ten minutes respites. One of the Baggers didn't have gloves nor hat. He survived just one and two thirds blizzards before asking permission to go home. I believe he was in front of his dung fire when Spurs scored that sapping 89th minute winner at the "this way for the toilet (ie the toilet is actually the other way)" end of the ground.

Wild scenes of celebration in the corner and partially up the grassy knolls and banks. Incidentally, we're unlikely to play Category 1 Spurs at U18 level very often. But, their lads may care to note. Not a good idea to celebrate goals up the banks and near the bushes. Not when the Carrier Bag Firm have "found other ways of dealing with toilet issues".

A hard fought game. Not really many chances. I'm disappointed we couldn't move on and get to the Final. But, I'm pleased it didn't get to Extra Blizzard Time. All our lads deserve credit. No weak links in that lot. Committed. Front Foot. Heads Up. Although they can lose the ill discipline of the chests out pile ins for me. To be honest, I'm surprised the management don't stamp it out.

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