Don't Forget Your Cock 'n Balls, Babe

42 years a rotten citrus fruit

Greece 0 v England 3

UEFA Nations League, Group B2

Thursday 14 November 2024

Played at Olympiakó Stádio Spiros Louis

England Away Game #164

Greece Beer Ticks up to #16

Greek Ultra Checklist when leaving the house.

Black Hoodie - Check

Black Jacket - Check

Pyro - Check

Laser Pen (fuck sake) - Check

Up Hooter Powder - Check

“Don't forget your Tinfoil Cock n’ Balls Babe….”

Actually, that is not my photo. So, I'm guessing a little bit. You know those bits of card you're supposed to hold up in the stands before kick off. So they form your national flag. I suspect those have been repurposed, with some strategic tears and folds. Superb.

Greece. The Horrendous Lemons have history in Greece. I often write about the Carrier Bag Firm. But that's just a flag of convenience for me. I'm CBF now. But, in my DNA, I'm a Horrendous Lemon. I think the name of that football firm is rather self explanatory!!!

I was conscripted into the Horrendous Lemons in 1982. In Athens. Here we are FORTY TWO years later.

The first of the Modern Olympics was held in Athens in 1896. There was a sort of arrogant assumption that the one hundred years on games in 1996 would also be held in Athens, as a shoe in. They weren't. But, as part of a long term plan, the new Athens Olympic Stadium was opened in September 1982. That would host the 1982 European Athletics Championship. And was part of the Greek FA’s bid to host the 1990 FIFA World Cup.

England were drawn against Greece in a qualifying group for EURO 1984. And the game was scheduled for November 1982. I booked a flight to Athens, and a hotel. As the game approached, the Greeks got jittery about me (and the other England fans) smashing up their pristine showcase new stadium, and fucking up their World Cup bid. I know. Sounded as fucking ridiculous then as it does now.

So, “at the last minute”, the Greeks shifted the game 500km and 5 hours drive away to the Kaftanzoglio Stadium in Thessaloniki. Stranded in Athens, the Horrendous Lemons conscripted me onto their hasty and impromptu overnight BattleBus to Thessaloniki.

Congratulations You Have Just Been Informed By The Horrendous Lemons

There was some lovely interplay outside the ground in 1982 in Thessaloniki as I tried to buy a match ticket off a Greek Guy. Him, not a word of English. Me, not a word of Greek. Mucho pointing and raising of fingers to organise a price. Finally, smiles all round. Customary handshake to seal it. Deal Done.

I went to my wallet to get the cash out.

He went to his wallet.

And he also got the fucking cash out.

We both thought we were buying off the other…

My first foray with England Away. And I didn't get in. No Tick. Here we are at my 164th England Away game. No Ground Tick though. I was here in 2001.

My future Best Man was on that 1982 Horrendous Lemons BattleBus. As was my future Brother-in-Law. And many of my best mates to this day.

Indeed. If you've met me on a subsequent England trip. And we've “hit it off”. I've got some shocking news for you…

Chances are, you're a Horrendous Lemon.

We had a lovely pre match drinkypoos in the curiously titled.

The Local Pub

Chaimanta 25, Chalandri 152 34

That is home to the Anastasiou Microbrewery. With two brewing rooms in a courtyard either side of the pub. The pub was filled with Breweriana. Little signs, bottles, cans, dart boards, jokey things. Done out like they think an English Pub looks like. That marketing pitch leading to a Mad International HooHaa.

All the Greeks in there at opening time diving into Guinness and Keg London Pride. While the Carrier Bag Firm and Horrendous Lemons were salivating over the TWELVE Anastasiou’s they had on. Particularly the Single Hop Series.

Pineous Brewery (Larissa), Collab with Anastasiou, Ocyrrhoe, Hazy IPA on Keg at 5.5%

Anastasiou Brewery, Single Hop El Dorado, IPA on Keg at 5.2%

Anastasiou Brewery, Single Hop Galaxy IPA, on Keg at 5.2%

That was superb. Deffo the Outstanding Greek Beer Of The Trip. Fresh. Fruity. Full of flavour.

Overall. On a short trip. I was able to push my Greece Beer Ticks up to 16.

I've banged on about the Nations League before. And I'm pretty sure I'll bang on about it again after the Ireland match. Because that three clear goals win puts the group in our hands. And with it promotion back to League A. The Top Table. I know armchairers and Tele’ers and wrist deep in Doritosers have their - glorified friendly - narrative.

It's a great format. And a great competition. Fuck ‘Em.

So. After that lovely early goal, I was desperate for the second. Which might ultimately put us ahead of Greece on UEFA Head-to-Head countback. Indeed, I was getting quite frustrated until the second came on 77 minutes.

Particularly as that was a good performance by “this England”. Occasional BombScare at the back. But generally calm and unhurried. After an early goal, it's easy to go into a ponderous state. And that happened a bit. I liked the slightly more direct approach. Players getting to the byline. Rather than the flicky tricky chippy last resorts of all the missing false nines tonight.

Jinxing it. If Carsley can get it over the line at the weekend. With only that nonsense at home to Greece getting in the way of a perfect record. He'll have a nice legacy. Hope he stays with the FA. Rather than go to a Club now he's had the light shone on.

Been some fucking Lacoste Polos across them 42 years.

I'm a Lemon. I'm Horrendous.

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