All I Need Now Is A Cucumber & Some Tomatoes
Machida Zelvia 1 v Yokohama 1
J1 League
Friday 12 September 2025
Played at Machida Athletic Stadium
Ground Tick #532
(Japanese Ground Tick #6)
Japanese Beer Ticks finalised at #48
I like to think “I've seen it all”. But, there was a new one on me tonight. You'll know I refer to a lot of fans I know as - The Carrier Bag Firm, the CBF. That is supposed to conjure up an image of more mature fans, who are, frankly, nerds and anoraks, often on the lookout for programmes, teamsheets, and other bits n bobs they can stash away as memorabilia. Stash away in their omnipresent carrier bags branded for major UK supermarket chains.
Don't fucking ask me what's in them bags. I don't know. And I don't want to know. Fucking obsessives…
But. I help the CBF out when I can. If I'm the only United fan at some obscure U21 away game, I'll grab ‘em a few teamsheets, and carefully preserve any match tickets.
The rule is;
If it's not fucking nailed down, bring it back.
So, there was much excitement outside the Machida Athletic Stadium. Where a polite queue of Japanese had formed to be actually handed a Carrier Bag. Lovely people, I thought, they're actually cutting out one stage of the Memorabilia Realisation Process. By handing you whatever the fucking thing is ALREADY in a bag.
Gotta be done. We dutifully queued. Gotta be done. The Carrier Bag Firm would never forgive me. Quite a wait, mind. The Japanese fans clearly mad for the bag.
We reached the end of the line. Smiled, we're fucking good at smiling, bowed a bit, took the bag we were handed. And, retired a safe distance to contemplate the contents.
I could try and set this up in a comedic way, ooooohhhh guess what was in the bag, etc, what do you think the Machida Zelvia fans were queuing for, etc. But, I'll let this anecdote stand on its merits.
Me. And the Carrier Bag Firm. Had queued, and grabbed the stuff that wasn't nailed down. But, was already bagged. The must have “thing”.
I opened the bag. And there was a fucking lettuce in there. I checked my CBF companion's bag. And there was a fucking lettuce in there as well. I snuck a look at the bags other fans were collecting. Yep, fucking lettuce.
I mean. Google Translate is invaluable. A nice smile will get you a long way. But, NO, I am NOT going to try and find out why I've been given a fucking lettuce on my way in.”
And, there's more. I pride myself on what I call “my non-league kit”. Essentially, my non-league kit consists of one thing. A collapsible gizmo that allows you to carry four beers back to your seat at once.
The fucking Japanese have got another essential piece of non-league kit which they carry around with them. And, quite frankly, we're fucking years behind them.
Picture this. You've gone along to the game. You've grabbed your lettuce in a carrier bag outside - obvs. It's pissing it down with rain. You don't want to dump your bag on the wet floor, soaking the precious contents of your bag. Particularly if the contents are programmes, teamsheets, or OMBOPs (Other Meaningless Bits Of Paper) … or salad ingredients!!!
Your Japanese Bagger deploys the S Hook he/she has brought in their non-league kit for just this eventuality.
The Carrier Bag. The contents. Are now safe from the wet floor. I mean. The fuckers. Heated toilet seats. With a lid that lifts itself as you approach. The Bullet Train. Self heating Sake. But, they've topped it off here. A fucking hook to keep your Carrier Bag off the deck. We'll never beat ‘em. Fucking genius.
I now own the UK concession for these essential hooks. Comment at the end of the Blog if you'd like details.
Lettuce aside, absolutely joyous football occasion. The various Zelvia Firms loud and constant. Puts the atmosphere at English games to shame.
The South End looked to my trained eye to be made up of different firms. All happily creating a din in unison. In England, we've become used to designating groups of football Herberts and Varmints as “The Lads”.
I'm not sure of the origin story of the Zelvia South End. But, they've gone for - The Blokes. Giggling here. But, that is not without charm.
I spoke to The Blokes in Section 13. They had two or three banners based on a Sex Pistols/Johnny Rotten theme. I couldn't quite work it out. The slogans were in English but didn't quite “scan”.
The Section 13 Capo looked the Ultra part. Got the Black Cagoule thing going on. But, as it was fiercely hosing it down on the open end, he'd done alright there. He had bandages and tape on his right hand. I gently ribbed him about it.
“What's happened here mate?”
“You been in some mither earlier?”
Mimes a punch to the face.
“No. No. No. Not hooligans. Protect my hand when drumming…”
Fair enough. If that's your story…
One very different aspect of Japanese football culture is - The Pass Out. You can move freely between your seat, the concourse, Section 13, etc INSIDE the ground, and the bars, food trucks and lettuce distributors OUTSIDE the ground, in what we might think of as the FanZone. In this case, ZelviaLand.
That pass out was quite handy for the Carrier Bag Firm. As, the only Beer Tick I could find was outside the stadium, in ZelviaLand. So, I passed out, and bought one, and passed back in again.
Kirin Brewing Co, Heartland, Lager on Keg at 5%
The Beer Ticking in Japan was lovely, and easy.
We ticked a load of macro industrial beers in the baseball and the football.
We were primarily in Japan for the World Athletics Championships. Personally, I don't think you can count a shot put as a ball, so I haven't Blogged from there. The hectic Athletics schedule meant a lot of #RoomCans ticking back in the hotel.
We did a Tokyo to Hiroshima bullet train, some more #TrainTins on there.
On the way home, I got a Tick in Hiroshima Airport, a Tick in Haneda Airport, and even a fucking tick on the plane. If I'd have known I was that close, I'd have pushed a bit harder earlier on the trip to sign off at #50 Japanese Beer Ticks.
And, as best we could, we did conventional hunting in microbreweries and craft beer bars.
A selection…
ISEKADO, Pale Ale from a Tin at 5%
Kirin Brewery Co, Akiaii, Rice Lager from a Tin at 6%
Suntory Beer Limited, Tokyo Craft Pale Ale from a Tin (Bullet Train) at 5%
Suntory Beer Limited, The Premium Malt’s, Pilsner from a Tin (JAL 041 HND to LHR)
Inkhorn Brewing, Baby Raptor (2025), Hazy IPA on Keg at 7%. Supped at In The House, Shibuya, Tokyo.
Yo-Ho Brewing Company, Uchoten Aliens, Hazy IPA on Keg at 6%. Supped in Yona Yona Beer Works, Aoyama, Tokyo.
Beer Brain Microbrewery, Loosen Up, Hazy Pale Ale on Keg at 5.5%. Supped in Beer Brain, Harajuku, Tokyo.
Miyajima Beer, Misen Dragon IPA on Keg at 6.5%. Supped in the Miyajima Brewery on the island of the same name.
I found the tinned lagers from the Japanese Macros all much of an indiscernible muchness. The Hazy Pales and IPAs were all fucking superb.
Do you know that Harajuku in Tokyo has become a clothing brand hub? Similar to Covent Garden for eg? Did you know Lacoste have a store in Harajuku? Did you know that Harajuku Lacoste store sell a Polo branded for the shop? Only available in the shop?
Well. You fucking do now. Coming soon to an Away End near you…
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